my last attempt to my daughter......

JAZ….


HERE ARE THE BIRTH CERTIFICATES FOR THE BABIES…AND THERE SOCIAL SECTURITYS CARDS…



NOW…A FEW THINGS I NEED TO SAY FOR THE LAST TIME…THOSE TWO WKS OF CHAOS WAS ENOUGH…I LISTEN… I WAS HAPPY TO HAVE MY GRANDGIRLS AND WAS SO IMPRESS WITH MACKERS… THIS LAST YEAR WHERE I JUST STOPPED COMMUNICATION AND CUT ALL TIES… WAS A GOOD THING…ONE..MS.BEVERELY SUGGESTED THAT…SO I DID…LITERALLY STEPPED DOWN…MY STRESS FACTOR IS GONE…I HAD RESPONSABILTYS TO GUNTHER AND WILLIE…I WASN’T TAKING CARE OF THEM LIKE IT WAS..BEFORE THE GRANDS..I HAVE FOUCS ON GUNNY AND HE HAS SHINED HIS FIRST YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL…NO ESE AT THE MOMENT AND THAT IS IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW..HE HAS A DREAM AND I WILL STAND BEHIND HIM TIL HE WALKS ACROSS THAT STAGE…AND I WANT TO SEE THAT…I FELT I DIDN’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT MY SON AND WILL WILL BECAUSE I WAS TENDING TO YOU…MOST OF ALL I SHOULD OF STOPPED TENDING TO YOU WHEN U TURN 18..MAYBE THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN A BETTER OUTLOOK BETWEEN YOU AND ME..

I HAVE BENT OVER BACKWARDS FOR YOU…I WAS THERE FOR YOU..I WAS THERE FOR THE GRANDS FROM DAY ONE…I LET YOU DESTORY MY APARTMENTS I GAVE YOU A CUSHION.. I GAVE U A HOME.. FOR YOU AND THE BABIES…BUT…I LET YOU..YELL AND CUSS ME..I LET YOU DISRESPECT ME AND MY HOME…I MUST BE THE MOST GULLABLE MOTHER OF ALL TIMES…I DIDN’T LET YOU FALL FLAT ON YOUR ASS…I KEPT TAKING U IN…CUZ U KNOW HOW TO MANIULATE ME..I LOVE U MOMMY…AND I FELL FOR IT…SO IF I KICKED YOU OUT I WAS TRYING TO MAKE U FALL…NOT FAIL…BUT FALL…I DON’T OWE YOU ANYTHING..INCLUDING RESPECT…YOU TOOK YOUR LIFE AT 13 AND STARTED RUNNING AND U BEEN RUNNING SINCE…YOU ARE STUCK IN THIS ALL ABOUT ME GENERATION…AND IT ANIT ABOUT YOU…YOU HAVE THREE BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN(ITS ALL ABOUT THEM).. AND U HAVENT SHOWED THEM ANY STABLE ENIVORMENT YET…U NEVERED FINISHED SCHOOL…U DON’T HAVE A JOB…YOU DON’T HAVE A HOME FOR THEM..U DON’T HAVE MONEY..YOU DON’T HAVE A CAR…THESE ARE THINGS THAT U NEED TO HAVE…TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR FAMILY…U MADE THAT DESCION WHEN U STARTED RUNNING AT 13..YOU MAY BE BLAMING ME FOR THAT…BUT U CANT…U RAN…I LET GO…I LET YOU COME IN ANT OUT OF MY LIFE…GIVING ME HAVIC….BECUZ I WAS A MOM..I FOLLOW ALONG WITH YOUR BULLSHIT…AND NOW U CANT HANDLE IT..CUZ IVE WALKED AWAY…FOR A WHOLE YEAR(AND U THINK BECUZ THAT HURTS YOU…NO..U HAVE HURTED ME) AND THAT TO ME IS A GOOD THING…I WILL NOT BE SUBJECT TO YOUR BULL SHIT AND HOW U WANT TO RUNS THINGS…YOU ANIT IN CONTROL(YES IM IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE AND WHO IS AROUND ME BUT I THOUGHT I TAUGHT YOU THAT I GUESS U DIDN’T GET THE MEMO)…. YOU ARE FLYING BY THE SEAT OF YOU PANTS WITH LIFE…THAT EVERYONE OWES YOU….



YOU THINK THAT THIS IS THE GETTHO LIFE…KEEP ON..BUT YOUR CHILDREN ARE SUFFERING…THEY ARE NOT IN AN STABLE ENIRVOMENT…THEY BEEN IN FOSTERCARE…AND NOW A SHELTER…YOU BEEN THERE A WHOLE YEAR…AND WHAT I SEE…YOU THE SAME OLE JAZ…YOU HAVENT CHANGED…I WOULD OF DONE ANYTHING TO GET MY KIDS BACK..I WOULD OF TAKING ANYTHING TO TAKE THE PARENTING CLASSES THE ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES…FROM DAY ONE WHEN THEY TOOK THE KIDS AND PUT THEM INTO FOSTERCARE…I WOULD OF BITCH SCREAM AND FOUGHT MY WAY TO GET MY KIDS OUT OF THE SYSTEM…THE MOMENT THEY WERE TAKEN…ITS 2011..I WOULD OF DONE ALL THINGS THAT THE COURT ASKED OF ME…AND WOULD OF DONE MORE OF WHAT THEY DIDN’T ASK OF YOU TO DO..TO GET THE KIDS BACK….THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A STURCTURE PLAN FOR YOU TO DO…A MOM WOULD OF DONE ANYTHING…



I SPENT MONEY FOR A LAWYER THAT DID NOTHING…I WOULD OF FOUGHT SO HARD…AND (YOU) SHOULD OF DEMANDED TO THE COURT AND THE STATE..FOR THEM TO BE WITH ME….YOU WOULD OF DONE ANYTHING FOR YOUR KIDS…BUT YOU LET IT GO…AND U HAD TO FOLLOW THERE RULES…BUT..U LIVE AND LEARN…THAT’S ON U…NOW U ALMOST HAVE THE KIDS…SO THE STATE WILL CLOSE THE CASE EVENTUALLY SO…GET IT DONE…AND GET THEM OUT OF YOUR LIFE(DCF)…YOU OWE THAT TO YOUR CHILDREN…



I DIDN’T HAVE MY CHILDREN TAKEN AWAY…I TOOK AND TAKE CARED OF MY RESPONSABILITYS…AND I DID THAT FOR YOU TIL YOU WERE 29..NOW I WALKED AWAY AFTER TWO WKS…WHAT U CANT HANDLE IT…



NOW…I NEED TO SAY THIS ONE THING….I HAVE COME TO A CONSULION OF THIS…NOW IN MY LIFE…WHERE I CAN HANDLE THIS…WHAT IM ABOUT TO SAY…….

ONE…GET YOUR KIDS BACK…(I STAYED OUT OF THIS FOR A REASON,FOR YOU TO GET THEM BACK)…(PLUS I THINK THAT U WOULD OF FIGURE THIS OUT WHY I STEPPED BACK FOR ALL THIS)...AT ANYTIME…AFTER THEY ARE OFFICALLY BACK WITH YOU 100%....



I CAN UNDERSTAND AND CAN ACCEPT THAT IF U CANT HANDLE BEING A MOM FOR ANY REASON…ITS OK…ITS OK FOR YOU TO DO WHAT U WANT TO DO..LIVE YOUR LIFE THE WAY YOU WANT TO…I WILL NOT JUDGE YOU.. I CAN LET IT GO….BUT IF YOU NEED ME TO TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS I WILL DO THAT…GIVE THEM A LIFE THAT IS STABLED…GIVE THEM A CHANCE TO ERASE WHAT AS BEEN DONE…AND GET THEM THRU THIS WITH CARING AND UNDERSTANDING SO THEY CAN BE SOMEBODY SOME DAY…ITS OK…FOR MY MOTHER TO LEAVE ME…OR A SISTER WHO LET ONE OF HERE KIDS GO..FOR ANOTHER SISTER TO WALK AWAY HER KIDS…ITS OK…I UNDERSTAND WHY MY SISTERS DID THAT.. BUT AS FOR MY OWN.. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT MY MOTHER WHY SHE WALKED AWAY FROM ME…I OVERCAME AND WENT BEYOND MY LIFE TO GET WHERE I AM TODAY…I HAVE FOUGHT FOR THIS LIFE…TO BE WHO I AM AND WHAT I AM…A STRONG OVER POWERING CONTROLLED MOTHER AND OR WOMAN…BE CUZ I DO AND GET WHAT I WANT…BY GOING AFTER IT…YOU ARE A STRONG WOMAN…MORE STRONGER THAN ME..WHEN IT COMES TO MAKING YOUR OWN RULES AND LIVING THEM..YOU DON’T GIVE A FUCK…I DON’T GIVE A FUCK..BUT I TEND TO HAVE THAT STUPID ASS RESOPNABILITY FACTOR IN MY ASS AT 200% MEANING I DO WHATS RIGHT I GUESS AS I LIVE LIFE…I MAY BITCH AND MOAN ..YOU KNOW I WILL TAKE CARE OF THE BABIES…YOU ARE THERE MOTHER…BUT U CAN LIVE YOUR LIFE ON YOUR TERMS…JUST LET ME TAKE CARE OF THEM..AND U DO YOUR THING…ITS OK JAZ…I UNDERSTAND…I GIVIN YOU AN OUTLET TO DO WHAT YOU WANT…BUT…I HOPE YOU CAN OVERCOME ALL THIS…AND PROVE ME WRONG…ANY THIS DOESN’T WILL TAKE CARE OF THE BABIES…ITS FUNNY THERE ARE DIFFERENT RULES WHEN YOU BECOME A GRANDPARENT…I THINK YOU MATURE ENOUGH AND GET A SECOND CHANCE TO RAISE KIDS DIFFERENT..BUT WITH ALL THE THINGS I HAVE SEEN OR BEEN DONE TO…I HOPE I DID OVERCOME MY UPBRINGING BETTER THAN IT WAS DONE UPON ME.. I KNOW I DID A BETTER JOB…I ALSO DID THE BEST I DID WITH MY KIDS…THERE MIGHT HAVE BEEN SOME ISSUES…BUT YOU LIVE AND LEARN.. AND I KNOW I DID THAT…I HAVE CHANGE WITH THE TIMES…AND STILL LEARNING AS I GO…YOU CAN DO THAT TO…



RIGHT NOW IM SETTING MY BOUNDRIES WITH YOU…I WILLING TO SIT BACK…I HOPE I CAN SEE THE GRANDS…BUT ON YOUR TERMS…BE ADULT ABOUT IT…I CAN SEE THEM ONCE A MONTH FOR A VISIT OR TALKING ON THE PHONE IS OK..BE WOMAN ABOUT IT AND TELL YOUR KIDS ITS OK…WHY U AND I DON’T SEE THE SAME PAGE…WE HAVE DIFFERENCES AND OUTLOOKS…AND ITS OK….



I LOVE U…AND IM HAPPY THAT THEY ARE BACK WITH YOU…DO WHATEVER IT TAKES…AND BE STRONG…I HOPE YOU DON’T THINK THAT I SAID WHAT I SAID IN THIS LETTER…BUT..I WANTED YOU TO KNOW ..WHAT IM FEELING…LOVE U JAZ..ALWALYS..MOMS….
sorry but i posted this for a reason....

lovin it............

telling our deepest secrets of life...and experiences...was a good convo....enjoying my chats with be....sitting here watching big brother on dvr on big brother after dark...for the next three hours...been doing that all summer...thank god i have showtime....days away...for school to start....waiting on that alone...get that boy up out of my house for school...since he has problems gettin up outta bed....gunny butt...get your ass up out of bed...school is in session..love moms........lol...........anyhoo...im out for a minute...aka sweets..

one more week...before school starts...

and thrusday the 18th....is orientation....and then...22nd is first day of school....lets go....so...got willies bike fixed..i was going to buy a new one...i should of...as much money i bought the bike and get a few things fixed was totalled to a new bike..but oh well...he happy at the moment....gunny has next week as his last week before school to help his dad....then he goes back to wkends helping daddy and me...if i go...maybe just saturdays for me....friday nights...i talk to my sweet honey from back home...enjoying that....lol........shit ...we talking up to 5 times during the day...everyday...pretty cool...........


watching big brother as usual...i have for the last 13 years....never gets old....good summer tv...i literally wait for big bro...........this wkend i anit doing shit....being lazy....damn i got over 600 emails this wk..remember when new shit on facebook....crap...might delete the group...dont like crowded emails...lol.......

well tired..and bored..and waiting for my friday night call...............love u be.....

SHE TURNS 30 TODAY.....

MY DAUGHTER TURNS 30 TODAY...NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT...BUT HAVING HER THREE CHILDREN....WHEN I WAS 30...21YRS AGO...I HAD TWO KIDS...A APT...CABLE...CAR....AND I JUST COMPLETED MY FIRST YEAR OF COLLEGE..............

SHE HAS DISAPPOINTED ME...AND HAS BROKEN MY HEART....IS THERE NO END TO THIS...I THINK SO...I HAD WASHED MY HANDS OF HER....DONT CARE IF IM A MOMMY OR SOME BITCH....LITERALLY RAKED OVER THE COALS FROM HER...WILL THERE BE IMPROVEMENT WITH HER.....NO.....TO BAD SO SAD.....KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK JASMINE....U DOING SO GREAT AS A MOM....PROVIDER...AND WHATEVA ELSE U DO....WHICH IS NUTHING.............(me the writer..my own mother left me and my four sisters....and had that wicked stepmother bitch...im so thankful i had one daughter...cuz if i had three of them(my kids)i would kick the bitches out...so THANKS...to my mother...who gave me the tools...not to like the female daughter...cuz...this MAMA...has and was a good mother to all her kids...i can see where the mother/daughter/hate/love relationship really do exsist...ive lived it....) AS FOR MY SON...ERNESTO...HE WOULD BE MY IDEAL DAUGHTER....LOL....MY GAY SON...ERNESTO....LOVE U CRUZ...

WOW........

AMAZING....SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TOO OF MY FUTURE...OF HAPPINESS...EVEN IF ITS A COUPLE OF DAYS...IVE LITERALLY WAITED FOR THIS MOMENT...AND IT WILL HAPPEN...WOW............LIFE IS GOOD..GOOD IS LIFE....

HAVING THOUGHTS AND TAUNTS ABOUT.........

MY SWEET FRIEND...TALKING MORE AND MORE DAILY....AS THESE WEEKS GO BY....HE PUTTING A SMILE ON MY FACE...AND MAKING ME LAUGH....LISTENING...CARING...UNDERSTANDING AND GIVING ADVICE WHEN NEEDED TO EACH OTHER.....AND WANTING MORE......BEEN DAYDREAMING ABOUT HIM....I WANT MORE...AND HOW WILL I GO ABOUT IT.....IM ONE OF THOSE WOMEN...THAT I WILL DO WHAT I WANT..I DONT FOLLOW THE RULES WHEN I WANT WHAT I WANT....SO AS THIS JOURNEY BEGINS WITH AND ABOUT BE..............MAMA GOING FOR IT.....LIVING LIFE...TIME TO MAKE ME....SWEETS A HAPPY CAMPER...... HERE IS A LITTLE SOMETHING ABOUT ME AND 93 THINGS ABOUT ME.........


WHAT WAS YOUR:








1. last beverage = large mickey d's coffee



2. last phone call =Apparently I called mike radice



3. last text message = gunther



4. last song you listened to = kickstart my heart/motley crue



5. last time you cried =friday night with mike radice.



HAVE YOU EVER:







6. dated someone twice =yes..ernesto cruz jr..ewwwwww. .







7. been cheated on = Yes







8. kissed someone & regretted it = nope



9. lost someone special = yes..im talking to him now...........







10. been depressed = Yes.







11. been drunk: No....................2times with that damn ernesto cruz jr...in my (20's)







LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:







12.purple



13. hunter freen



14. burgandy



THIS YEAR (2011), HAVE YOU:







15. Made a new friend =yes



16. Fallen out of love = Yes







17. Laughed until you cried = Once







18. Met someone who changed you = Yes







19. Found out who your true friends were =yep



20. Found out someone was talking about you = Yes.







21. Kissed anyone on your FB friend's list = yes does the other half count...











GENERAL:







22. How many people on your FB friends list do you know in real life = All







24. Do you have any pets =jack the cat...



25. Do you want to change your name = no



26. What did you do for your last birthday = what birthday..it was horrible



27. What time did you wake up today =6:15am



28. What were you doing at midnight last night = sleeping



29. Name something you CANNOT wait for = blueeyes....m...r....



30. Last time you saw your mother =mothersday..1978



31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life = i would of pick a better college to go to..i would of changed my mind 30yrs ago...about..my decision with jasmine...i would of fought to win over blueeyes...but now i will work on getting blueeyes...i really love him...always have and always will..this man puts a smile on my face...and make me all gittty....



32. What are you listening to right now = telling the girls to wash there hands...







33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? =no



34. What's getting on your nerves right now = the girls are not listening....







35. Most visited webpage =facebook of course.







37. Nicknames =sweets..butterball ..sweetie..mom..bitch...lol......38. Relationship Status = well im debating about it..i tired now with mr willie...and im having a adult conversation with blue eyes..m...r....the name is up above...lol... 39. Zodiac sign =sagataruis..



40. He or She = he..



41. Elementary/Middle =edgewood elem../jefferson jr.high



42. High School =downers grove north



43. College =tampa college of lakeland



44. Hair color = blonde.at the moment....







45. Long or short = long



46. Height = 5'8"







47. Do you have a crush on someone? = yep...blueeyes...always have and always will.... m...r...







48. What do you like about yourself? =i do what i want..nobody can stop me....



49. Piercings = two, both ears.







50. Tattoos = i wish...want one bad of gene simmons tongue........



51. Right or left handed = Right











FIRSTS :







52. First crush:david cassidy.....







53. First piercing = Ears,16 years old.







54. First best friend = bonnie .....



55. First sport you joined = nevered did that



56. First vacation =1979 came down to fl...and went to disney world....on my own...without the dallner family..we didnt do vaca...........











RIGHT NOW:







59. Eating = Nothing







60. Drinking = water.







61. I'm about to be = busy...and folding the wash....



62. Listening to = the girls playing and getting ready for a nap....







63. Waiting for = blueeyes to call me.............







YOUR FUTURE:







64. Want kids? = have three.......



65. Get Married? = nope...want to live in sin.............lol......................



66. Career? =nanny............







WHICH IS BETTER?:







67. Lips or eyes = lips



68. Hugs or Kisses =always



69. Shorter or taller = Taller.







70. Older or Younger =young....







71. Romantic or spontaneous = Yes.







72. Nice stomach or Nice Arms = arms...



73. Sensitive or loud = Sensitive.







74. Hook-up or relationship =relationship



75. Trouble maker or hesitant =both...i love to cause trouble..without gettin caught...but then im hesitant..when it comes..to...............????.







HAVE YOU EVER:







76. Kissed a stranger = nope



77. Drank hard liquor = last friday..with my bbf pat at applebees...







78. Lost glasses/contacts = yes.







80. Broken someone's heart = Yes..blueeyes back in 1981



81. Had your own heart broken = yep...by ernesto cruz.jr...jasmine dallner...



82. Been arrested = yep at the age of 40...and proud of it........



83. Turned someone down = yes..blue eyes back in 1981....







84. Cried when someone died = Yes.







85. Fallen for a friend = Yes..blueeyes..backin 2010











DO YOU BELIEVE IN:







86. Yourself =right now..im trying to do just that...having a new attutude about doing what i want to do..and get what i want.....







87. Miracles = Yes88. Love at first sight = yes...blueeyes...m...r.....



89. Heaven = Yes.







90. Santa Claus = im santa clause...duh.......



91. Kiss on the first date = Yes







92. Angels = Yes







93. Unicorns =sure....its bright he tells me...told me it will make me blind.........lol.........ooooooooooo baby baby

GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

I WENT AHEAD AND BOUGHT FOOD YESTERDAY...I TOLD HIM LAST NIGHT FROM NOW ON...NO EATING AT NIGHT...THE KITCHEN IS CLOSED...........THIS BITCH ATE HALF A LOAF OF RAISIN BREAD...GOD DAMN ..................I SWEAR...I ANIT BUYING FOOD.......FUCKIN FAT ASS...........I JUST TOLD HIM..TO ASK TO EAT...DAMN DO I HAVE TO TREAT HIM LIKE A CHILD....I GUESS SO.........SHIT...RING AND CUT HIS BALLS OFF...JACK ASS BITCH.................